One of my friends is moving from Marathon to the Lower Keys. Her days are filled with plumbers, pool cleaners, and absent cable installers. Her speech is disjointed; her eyes glitter feverishly.

Is this the face of a boot thief? (Photo by Joanne Denning)

I recognize her symptoms from the time, years ago, when I moved home to Key West with my then-boyfriend Gerry after 18 months in Nashville. In fact, I still can’t look at a moving van without twitching uncontrollably.

It all began with Clyde.

Nashville, Sept. 29. We hire a mover despite his peculiar nickname (Clyde the Magic Mover), and he asks how many boxes we have. Gerry and I are not fooled. We have moved before. We do what any other experienced householders would do. We lie.

Nashville, Sept. 30. Clyde the Magic Mover and his partner, Ezell (E´-zell), arrive. Both are in their mid-50s and so strong they have enough energy to joke as they lift our 300-pound couch into their moving van, a vehicle seemingly big enough to hold Sloppy Joe’s Bar.

When all our belongings are safely stowed, we hop in our car and follow the van south.

Exuberant blossoms add a lush beauty to Key West homes ... like our beloved cottage.

Key West, Oct. 1. Arriving at our new cottage during an island rain shower, we realize our attractive tropical yard is filled with tropical mud. Unfortunately, we must cross it to get the furniture in the back door.

Undaunted, we do what Keys residents have done for generations — we improvise. We lay a large board from the moving van over the mud. Clyde and Ezell speedily unload our household goods and disappear. With their board.

Key West, Oct. 2. While I wander the Historic Seaport, glorying in being back on my island, Gerry stays home to unpack. Unfortunately, another tropical shower turns our backyard into a mud puddle again. Carrying boxes in from the car, he removes his favorite cowboy boots and leaves them outside the back door so he won’t track mud inside.

Shortly afterward, he spots a floppy-eared puppy racing past the kitchen window with something in its mouth. At first he thinks the object is a dirty rag — but then realizes it’s one of his boots! Frantically, he gives chase but can’t catch the culprit.

After returning, I quickly headed down to the Historic Seaport.

When I get home, Gerry is pacing the kitchen (barefooted) muttering to himself. The remaining boot sits on the counter.

Gerry does not handle this kind of thing well. Indignantly he relates the boot-snatching episode. I collapse into a chair, laughing uncontrollably.

Later, as we dine on Key West pink shrimp at the Hogfish Bar, Gerry says,  “I’ve heard that animals do only what they need for survival. So why did that dog need my boot? He can’t wear it!”

We fantasize briefly about a local dog pack indulging in boot worship on Dog Beach beside Louie’s Backyard. I try to finish eating my shrimp, but can’t stop laughing.

Key West, Oct. 3. Gerry starts the day in his flip-flops. He’s not amused when I hum “These Boots Are Made for Walking.”

The missing boot reappeared behind the Southernmost Point marker, delineating the southernmost spot of land in the continental U.S. (Photo by Rob O'Neal, Florida Keys News Bureau)

Outside, savoring Key West’s tangy salt air, I begin chatting with two kids trying to crack a coconut on the sidewalk. Gerry unobtrusively searches the area for a boot.

Finally one of the kids says, “Mister, are you looking for something?”

Gerry relates the whole sorry tale.

The older kid grabs Gerry’s sleeve and urges him down Whitehead Street. There, behind the Southernmost Point monument, the boy indicates a boot. It’s muddy, bedraggled, and appears to have a few bite marks.

Gerry snatches it up with a glad cry.

Key West, Oct. 4. I bike over to Fausto’s Food Palace for groceries. On the way back, I encounter a puppy that looks suspiciously like the boot thief Gerry described. He’s carrying something in his mouth … but nevertheless, he manages to give me a wide canine grin.

Topics: Animal Ambassadors, Key West, Local Color, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

The romantic Florida Keys appeal to both landlubber lovers and those who can’t wait to get into the water to explore the undersea environment. The Keys’ clear, warm waters even attract scuba aficionados ready to tie the knot at the continental United States’ only living coral barrier reef — often with exotic sea creatures in attendance.

Couples in love can have a dolphin for their "best man" at Islamorada's Theater of the Sea. (Photo courtesy of Theater of the Sea)

In fact, in North America’s most popular dive destination, brides and grooms and their attendants can don gowns, tuxedos and scuba tanks to “take the plunge” into matrimonial adventure.

Scores of saltwater ceremonies are performed by Captain Spencer Slate of Atlantis Dive Center, a self-proclaimed “Justice of the Pisces” who has officiated at underwater weddings in the waters off Key Largo for more than 30 years. One of them even landed in the Guinness Book of World Records — and featured 110 divers, all wearing Halloween costumes!

Probably the Upper Keys’ most popular underwater nuptial niche is the nine-foot-high shrine of “Christ of the Abyss.” The 4,000-pound bronze statue stands in the Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary, within the boundaries of Key Largo’s John Pennekamp Coral Reef State Park. (FYI, Pennekamp was the first underwater preserve in the United States and recently celebrated its 50th birthday.)

The compelling statue is one of the most photographed underwater sites in the world. Its timeless features and welcoming arms, seemingly lifted in eternal benediction, make it a perfect place to exchange “I do’s.”

Tuxes, wedding gowns and discreet scuba gear are the proper attire for those diving into matrimony in the Florida Keys.

At Amy Slate’s Amoray Dive Resort, love is in the name. Yes, the resort’s moniker is a tongue-in-cheek blend of  “amore,” the Italian word for love, and “a moray” eel — one of the dive instructors’ friendly reef pets often seen on dives and during wedding ceremonies. If you’re ready to dive into matrimony, chances are you’ll fall in love with Amoray’s private charters, onboard parties and imaginative approach.

But you don’t have to be UNDER the water to have a unique water-themed wedding in the Upper Keys. At Islamorada’s Theater of the Sea, marine mammal fans can plan a ceremony with dolphins as part of the wedding party! Couples in love can reserve the park for an evening, and Theater of Sea’s trained staff will help choreograph dolphin behavior shows to their choice of wedding music.

For a real cetacean celebration, the bride can even arrive at the ceremony in a floating chariot accompanied by dolphins.

Of course, a unique marine-themed wedding deserves an equally unique honeymoon — and what better place than the world’s only underwater hotel?

Following an underwater wedding, consider honeymooning at the world's only underwater hotel -- located in Key Largo.

Located in Key Largo and called Jules’ Undersea Lodge, the fascinating honeymoon habitat has even been featured on television’s “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.” Honeymooning dive enthusiasts can spend the night there, with amenities including a gourmet meal prepared by a “mer-chef,” among the marine life of the Keys.

Imagine waking up on the first morning of your married life five fathoms beneath the sea, with vivid-colored tropical fish peering in the wide windows to share your happiness.

Want more info on wedding opportunities — underwater, offbeat or even traditional — in the romantic Florida Keys? Just say “I do” and click here.

Topics: Animal Ambassadors, Environment, Highlights, Islamorada, Key Largo, Local Color, On the Water, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

In most places, beds are reserved for sleeping or amorous activities. But not in the Conch Republic — where, on a Saturday afternoon in late April each year, they’re propelled along Key West’s famed Duval Street on wheels in the annual Conch Republic Red Ribbon Bed Race.

Even NBC "Today" weatherman Al Roker (left) and anchor Matt Lauer are fans of the irreverent Conch Republic. (Photo by Andy Newman, Florida Keys News Bureau)

The wacky charity event is always a highlight of the annual Conch Republic Independence Celebration, created to mark the day the Florida Keys seceded from the United States after a 1982 U.S. Border Patrol blockade of the island chain. (FYI, the motto of the republic, which calls itself the world’s first fifth-world nation, is “We Seceded Where Others Failed.”)

Billed as “the most fun you can have in bed with your clothes on,” the bed race pits multi-person teams against each other as they pilot their beds along Duval (which, by the way, is often called the longest street in the world because it stretches from the Atlantic Ocean at one end to the Gulf of Mexico at the other).

According to bed race rules (yes, there ARE rules), each colorfully decorated bed must be mounted on wheels and either pushed or pulled by costumed team members. At least one team member must ride on the bed.

These strange bedfellows go for speed during a past year's race down Duval Street. (Photo by Rob O'Neal, Florida Keys News Bureau)

“They’re in for the ride of their lives, because they’re not steering — there are no functional steering devices allowed,” said a Bed Race veteran who insisted on remaining nameless. “This isn’t the type of event where you read the newspaper in bed, that’s for sure.”

Past years’ races have featured a bed decorated like a smoke-blowing dragon, one accompanied by a gaggle of caged drag queens, one whose team members were dressed only in g-strings and chained to the bedposts, and many others that defy description.

The 2011 Bed Race is set to begin at 2 p.m. Saturday, April 30, with a parade of beds followed by the competition itself. If you join the spectators on Duval Street for the freewheeling sporting challenge, prepare to encounter some pretty strange bedfellows (and possibly a few who are three sheets to the wind!).

Supporters of the quirky republic show their conch spirit. (Photo by Andy Newman, Florida Keys News Bureau)

While the bed race is the oldest event on the Conch Republic Independence Celebration’s schedule, it’s not necessarily the most eccentric. The festival runs April 22 through May 1 with highlights including a “drag” race for dressed-up drag queens in staggeringly high heels and the colorful so-called “world’s longest parade.”

There’s also a pirates’ ball and pig roast, a lighthearted sea battle featuring tall ships, a pet stroll for “party animals,” the Conch Crawl showcasing favorite watering holes, a sailing race that recalls the Keys’ historic shipwreck salvage tradition, and a whole lot more.

So don’t pull the covers over your head and hit the alarm clock’s snooze button. Instead, exchange your jammies for traveling garb — and head down to the Conch Republic to be part of its exuberant annual celebration.

Topics: Events, Festivals, Highlights, History, Key West, Local Color, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

Forty-three world-class racers competed in NASCAR’s 53rd “Great American Race,” the Daytona 500. Several hundred entrants compete to become “500 Festival Princesses,” ambassadors for the 100th anniversary Indy 500 in Indianapolis.

Navigating the course along Duval Street can be pretty "tiring" -- particularly in towering heels. (Photo by Rob O'Neal, Florida Keys News Bureau)

And in Key West, more than a dozen of the island city’s drag queens will compete on Duval Street during the 29th annual Great Conch Republic Drag Race.

Not to be confused with high-octane dragsters, our high-heeled drag stars — professional and semi-professional female impersonators — don makeup, sparkling eyelashes, gowns and tutus, big hair and the required three-inch-minimum high heels to vie for top honors in our madcap marathon set for April 23.

Key West’s Bourbon Street Complex hosts this offbeat event to benefit the Petronia Street Neighborhood Association — keeping the neighborhood clean, safe and fun for locals and visitors.

You might see Marilyn Monroe, Joan Rivers, or one of our local bartenders or auto mechanics (complete with goatee and chest hair, high heels and purple tresses) running the obstacle courses while tossing back a shot or two from Duval Street watering holes. A rowdy crowd of several hundred spectators eagerly watches this important competition, and some folks can get downright fierce about championing their favorites.

Some lively lovelies wear sporting attire with their heels -- a smart choice given the course's peculiar challenges. (Photo by Mike Hollar, Florida Keys News Bureau)

Travel Channel International host Gareth Davis joined in the past festivities and produced a fun video of Key West’s drag challenge. My husband Paul created his own video of the races and the crew of the Island House in full regalia.

This year, the racing pits in the 700 block of Duval open at noon with libations for spectators and competitors, and the preliminary races start at 2 p.m. The fast-paced competitive action proceeds through finals at 6 p.m., followed by one of our famous Tea Dances in the street. Don’t forget your camera!

The race isn’t the only standout event this month. April brings Paul Rudnick’s “The New Century” to the Waterfront Playhouse. Directed by Carbonell Award winner Rich Simone, it’s a laugh-out-loud collection of four one-act plays. Tickets are still available, so book before you arrive on the island.

By the way, right now our island is still abloom with bougainvilleas splashing color around the neighborhoods — and the silver palms are full of grape-sized dates, though I’ve never eaten them.

Bougainvillea in bloom gives springtime Key West a vibrant beauty. (Photo by Steve Smith)

Looking ahead, June is Pride month around the world and it’s no different here in Key West. We recently tied with San Francisco for the title of “Best City for Unity Between Gays and Lesbians,” and we won hands-down for “Best City for Unity Between Gays and Straights.”

Key West Pride begins on June 8, following Gay Days in Orlando. Events include contests to choose Mr., Ms., and Miss Pridefest, film screenings, pool parties, a “Drag King” pageant, sunset cruises and late-night swimming gatherings.

In addition, Michele Balan and Jason Stuart headline an evening of comedy and the 801 Bar invites you to visit their dungeon. Topping the event is the annual parade down historic Duval Street. Make your reservations now for the best airfare deals on American Airlines, Delta Airlines, Continental and AirTran.

Recently I was at Palm Beach Pride, and you can catch me at the Gay and Lesbian Travel Expositions in New York City on April 26 and Philadelphia on April 28. Otherwise … I’ll see you in Key West!

Topics: Events, Festivals, Key West, LGBT, Local Color, Quirks

Once upon a time, during an action-packed confrontation between Arnold Schwarzenegger and a pack of bad guys, missile strikes blew up the Florida Keys’ Seven Mile Bridge.

Despite the advent of Arnold and company, the Seven Mile Bridge is in excellent shape. (Photo by Andy Newman, Florida Keys News Bureau)

Okay, that statement isn’t STRICTLY true, but it’s based on fact — one of many facts about the Keys that are offbeat, slightly improbable and add an engagingly weird vibe to the colorful island chain.

It seems that in 1993, before he became California’s governor, Arnold starred in a film called “True Lies” that was shot partially in the Keys. The story, about a spy whose personal and professional lives collided in a madcap caper, involved a sequence of helicopter stunts and an explosion on the iconic Middle Keys bridge.

Needless to say, it wasn’t the real bridge — but the narrow expanse of roadway unrolling above blue water sure looked like the real thing.

Throughout the Keys, you’ll hear stories that sound as unlikely as the saga of Arnold and the exploding bridge. Some are flat-out tall tales, but a surprising number are true.

For example …

Even Elvis has been spotted at the Underwater Music Festival performing for "sea fans." (Photo by Bill Keogh, Florida Keys News Bureau)

FUN FACT ONE: Key Largo is the site of the world’s only underwater hotel. It’s called Jules’ Undersea Lodge, and dive enthusiasts can spend the night there, with amenities including room service, among the marine life of the Keys. Imagine waking up to see vivid-colored fish peering into your bedroom window, trying to catch a glimpse of the creatures unexpectedly sharing their habitat.

FUN FACT TWO: Speaking of unusual things beneath the sea, every year the Lower Keys stage what is probably the world’s only Underwater Music Festival. The quirky annual concert draws divers, snorkelers, curious fish and even characters costumed as mermaids and other mythical denizens of the deep. It’s held at Looe Key Reef, acclaimed as a world-class dive site, and spotlights the need for reef protection.

FUN FACT THREE: Moving from oceanic to land-based eccentricities, many visitors to Key West are surprised to find roosters and chickens running wild in the historic Old Town neighborhood. The free-range fowl are supposedly the descendents of chickens kept for food and roosters bred for cockfights before the practice was outlawed. Today, at Key West’s funky Blue Heaven (a renowned eatery whose fans include singer/songwriter Jimmy Buffett) “breakfast with the roosters” is served in an outdoor courtyard where resident hens and chicks wander freely.

At Dolphin Research Center, friendly dolphins display an unexpected talent -- for math! (Photo courtesy of Dolphin Research Center)

FUN FACT FOUR: In the Middle Keys (yes, the area where Arnold had his adventure on the Seven Mile Bridge), dolphins instead of chickens take center stage — for their math skills! That’s because Dolphin Research Center, a renowned Middle Keys research and educational facility that’s home to a family of Atlantic bottlenose dolphins, spearheaded a groundbreaking study that shows dolphins can perform simple math equations — identifying simple math and distinguishing the difference between numbers they see on a board.

FUN FACT FIVE: The Lower Keys can’t boast mathematical dolphins, but in December 2009 they were the site of another rare phenomenon: snow. Now, bear in mind that weather forecasters have never officially recorded snow in the Keys. But on Christmas 2009, the white stuff mysteriously blanketed the home of musician Howard Livingston. Come to find out, Howard had won The Weather Channel’s nationwide “Guaranteed White Christmas” contest — and, despite the approximately 80-degree temps, a snowmaking and special effects company created the surprising subtropical snowfall.

Want additional Keys fun facts to startle and amaze your friends? Trust me, there are plenty of them. So check back to Keys Voices periodically to find out more reasons why, in the wacky and wonderful island chain, truth is definitely stranger than fiction.

Topics: Big Pine Key & Lower Keys, Events, Highlights, Islamorada, Key Largo, Key West, Local Color, Marathon, Quirks

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Keys
Smiling holiday revelers savored the breeze.
But in other locations, nobody was smiling
as they braved freezing temperatures far from the islands.

Could this bearded fellow cruising the Keys' underwater world be Santa Keys? (Photos by Bob Care, Florida Keys News Bureau)

While Keys visitors partied in warm outdoor bars,
toasting friends with mojitos sipped under the stars,
Christmas spirits had plans for the cold “refugees”
who were physically elsewhere but craving the Keys.

That’s why, out on the beach, there arose such a squawking
of unsettled seagulls in seagull talk talking
that drivers of cars cruising next to the ocean
couldn’t figure out what had caused all the commotion.

The moon on the shining white crescent of beach
made the shoreline of Cuba seem almost in reach
when what to the drivers’ amazement appeared
but a Santa in flip-flops and seaweed-decked beard.

Now, this Santa was wise and this Santa was bright
and he sure sympathized with the northerners’ plight.
In his past life, before heading south for the sun,
he too spent the winter months freezing his buns.

Santa Keys meets a fishy fan in the Florida Keys National Marine Sanctuary.

So he hijacked a sturdy old boat used for fishin’,
found some Key deer to pull it and started his mission.
Sailing skyward to surf on a tropical breeze,
he steered his ship north bringing gifts from the Keys.

As palm fronds before a wild summer storm fly
(when the shutters are closed and the water is high),
Santa Keys cruised the northern states with his Key deer
spreading visions of warm blue seas and island cheer.

At each house where the residents longed for the tropics,
he left small Keys tokens stuffed deep in their stockings.
There were conch shells and flip-flops and Key lime tidbits,
Margarita mix too — and “Buffett’s Greatest Hits.”

There were fishing reels, dive logs and lotions for sun
Conch Republic flags, stickers that read “U.S. 1,”
tiny replicas of Key West’s Southernmost Point
and shrimp sauce from a funky old Keys seafood joint.

When he dropped the last gift at the last snow-topped house,
Santa Keys told his Key deer to steer a course south.
His farewell drifted back on a sweet balmy breeze:
“Merry Christmas to all — now come visit the Keys!”

“Merry Christmas to all — now come visit the Keys!”

To watch the underwater video of Santa Keys, click here.

Topics: Big Pine Key & Lower Keys, Districts, Highlights, Islamorada, Key Largo, Key West, Local Color, Marathon, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

Key West is going to the dogs. It’s not enough that the island city’s canines can often be spotted as passengers on scooters or in bicycle baskets, or that a popular eco-outfitter offers “doggie paddle” kayak excursions for pooches and their people, or that dogs have their own beach next to a popular restaurant.

Dressed in sporty bonnets, Bella (left) and Daisy (right) stroll past an Old Town storefront during the Key West Dachshund Walk.

No, there’s also the annual Key West Dachshund Walk at noon on New Year’s Eve, a short stroll for long dogs with short legs.

This might surprise you, but a stunningly large number of the small critters either live in or visit Key West during the holidays. A couple of years ago the wacky walk drew 165 dachshunds, some of them costumed, who trotted down Key West’s famed Duval Street.

(In case you’re doing the math, at an average of four cute stubby legs per dog, that’s 660 legs trotting down Duval — not counting the longer limbs of the canines’ human companions.)

“People in Key West embrace these crazy things,” said island resident Ruth Reiter, who founded the informal walk with her husband Dan Metzler after learning about group dachshund events in other locales.

For the first several years, Ruth and Dan’s standard wirehaired dachshund Schumann was among the leaders of the pack. Sadly, Schumann is no more — but other dogs have appeared to provide a touch of offbeat canine style.

With characteristic style, Ruth and Dan's beloved Schumann leads the 2008 procession.

According to Ruth, walkers traditionally include a wide variety of dachshunds from miniature to standard and longhaired … plus a few dogs bearing a suspicious resemblance to other breeds.

“I think maybe there are some imposters who sneak in, but we don’t check pedigrees here,” Ruth said — which means even dachshund “wannabes” are allowed to strut their stuff.

Prominent pooches in past years’ events include the lovely Lola, a miniature longhaired dachshund who wore a pink sequined “gown” and a feathered headdress reading “Happy New Year” as she ambled around Key West’s picturesque downtown.

Last year, the dachsie duo of Winston and young Goodman wowed crowds dressed as the Skipper and Gilligan from the 60s TV series “Gilligan’s Island” — riding in a nautically decorated “SS Minnow” wagon pulled by their owners.

Dachshunds Goodman (left) and Winston, dressed as Gilligan and the Skipper from the 60s sitcom "Gilligan's Island," were among 156 pooches parading in last year's Key West Dachshund Walk.

Other dogs have turned up costumed as spacemen, hippies, court jesters, hot dogs nestled in “buns” and even “Superdog” in a red cape.

The sidewalk walking route is deliberately kept brief, by the way, because of the canine contingent’s short legs. A supply wagon generally accompanies the dachshund delegation, carrying plastic bags for quick cleanup of any accidents and water for pooches that get parched.

Not surprisingly, the quirky procession stops traffic as the dogs embark (sorry!) and draws crowds, laughter and applause throughout the route.

“This is all about crazy people taking their dogs for a walk,” said Ruth, who directs each year’s event with humor, class and a hint of nanny-like firmness. “When you see one dachshund, they make you smile — so when you see many, they’re really funny.”

Topics: Animal Ambassadors, Events, Highlights, Key West, Local Color, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

It’s not every day you can dance with an admiral — particularly one from the Florida Keys’ legendary Conch Republic Military. Or earn kudos from scurvy pirates for “walking the plank,” plunging into the azure deep off a picturesque schooner.

Pirates and wenches like this colorful pair roam the Key West streets during the offbeat Pirates in Paradise Festival. (Photo courtesy of Pirates in Paradise)

But scallywags and wenches can do that and more between Nov. 26 and Dec. 5, at Key West’s rollicking Pirates in Paradise Festival.

In fact, around that time of year it’s common (though a little startling) to spy a gaggle of pirates — garbed in historic seafaring regalia and peppering their speech with “arrghh” and “me hearties” — wandering into the Green Parrot or picking up a snack at Fausto’s Grocery.

At the Key West Maritime Pirates Sunset Reception and Conch Republic Military Holiday Feast Extravaganza (possibly the longest event name on the Keys calendar), you’ll find scores of the aforementioned pirates enthusiastically gallivanting with uniformed members of the Conch Republic (and U.S.) Military Forces.

The Conch Republic Military was created to protect and defend the honor and territory of the Florida Keys (aka the Conch Republic) from key to shining key. Boasting what’s believed to be the largest self-propelled navy in the world, it also maintains military assets including biplanes, seaplanes and cannons galore.

Who's the admiral commanding the Conch Republic Military Forces? Finbar Gittelman, a master seafarer with a roguish sense of humor. (Photo by Rob O'Neal)

Members range from enlisted personnel to Supreme Commander Admiral Finbar, a venerable sea dog who guides his troops with benevolent humor. In fact, the military’s unique mindset is best illustrated by its rules for handling disagreements: the two parties involved fight a duel, using weapons limited to water guns, water balloons, Conch fritters, stale Cuban bread and Key lime pie. And when it’s all over, they forgive each other.

See why it’s such a treat to mingle with the good-hearted bunch at their annual holiday extravaganza?

Set for Tuesday, Nov. 30, at Key West’s Truman Waterfront Commons next to the floating museum ships Ingham and Mohawk, the gala will feature feasting, a rum tasting and dancing to the sounds of local musicians — including Howard Livingston & the Mile Marker 24 Band, and Mike Emerson and the Southernmost Brass Swing Band. (Click here for costs, ticketing and other stuff you should know.)

This bold plank-walker shows exceptional style as he prepares to plunge into the deep. (Photo courtesy of Pirates in Paradise)

Fonder of adventure than feasting? Then join bold buccaneers and saucy lasses to vie for bragging rights and glory in the annual Walk the Plank Championships — undeniably the wackiest (and wettest!) escapade on the Pirates in Paradise schedule.

More than a dozen pirate re-enactors from around the U.S. and Caribbean typically compete in this soggy sporting challenge, set for 3:30 p.m. Dec. 2 on Admiral Finbar’s glorious topsail Schooner Wolf at the Truman Waterfront Commons.

According to Pirates in Paradise founder and chief wench Julie McEnroe, the event offers the only competitive opportunity in America for plank-walking practitioners to prove their skills (now THERE’S a surprise).

The format is simple. Men, women and even kids dressed in pirate attire plunge from the Wolf into the water — after pleading for mercy or attempting to outwit the scurvy crew forcing them off a narrow plank.

Swashbucklers of all sorts strut their stuff during the rollicking Key West festival. (Photo courtesy of Pirates in Paradise)

Believe it or not, this crazy competition has judges who “grade” plank-walkers based on the quality of their pleas, piratical garb, overall style and splash.

What else goes on during Pirates in Paradise? Tall ship sailing excursions, living history pirate encampments, scallywags’ soirees, a “village thieves’ market” and pirate pub, pirate walking tours of Key West and the staged re-creation of the trial of notorious real-life buccaneers Anne Bonny and Mary Read.

So if you’re eager to show off your swashbuckling style, or dance with an admiral, drop anchor in Key West and party with the pirates!

Topics: Events, Festivals, Highlights, Key West, Local Color, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

He stands only three feet tall, but Robert the Doll looms large as a Key West celebrity. He’s internationally acclaimed for his mischievous deeds, receives letters and e-mails from all over the United States and has more than a thousand Facebook friends.

Eerie icon Robert the Doll is interviewed by Jorge Estevez for South Florida’s CBS News 4. Claudia Pennington (right) interprets Robert's wishes. (Photo courtesy of the Key West Art & Historical Society)

Despite being a bit older than the average celeb, Robert has made television appearances on the Travel Channel, Discovery Channel, numerous regional stations and more.

Some might scoff at such attention being paid to a straw-stuffed doll — but Robert, who has been dubbed a “paranormal pop star,” is no ordinary doll.

Robert’s career began in 1904 when he was given to a Key West boy named Robert “Gene” Otto — some say by a voodoo-practicing nanny or family maid.

Young Gene gave the doll his own first name and, throughout his childhood, blamed Robert for naughty deeds and bad behavior. Even when Gene grew up and married, the doll remained his alter ego.

Robert appears suitably spooky during the CBS News filming. Could that shadowy black-clad woman be his paranormal publicist? (Photo courtesy of the Key West Art & Historical Society)

While Gene gained renown as an artist, Robert (living in his own room in the Otto family home, despite strenuous objections from Gene’s wife Anne) gained renown of a far more unsettling sort. Children passing by glimpsed him leering from the windows of the home’s turret room and, according to local lore, a workman heard the doll giggling at him.

In 1974, Gene Otto died. Anne sold the house and quickly departed, leaving Robert behind for the new owners to find. Eventually, the disturbing doll was donated to the Key West Art & Historical Society.

Today, Robert’s “home” is a handsome glass case at Fort East Martello Museum, a massive brick Civil War–era fort reborn as a popular Key West historic attraction. The Art & Historical Society’s executive director, Claudia Pennington, acts as his guardian (and unofficial paranormal publicist).

A doll of few words, Robert is a master of nonverbal communication. He particularly delights in creating “special effects” on museum visitors’ photographs. They often appear inexplicably ruined unless he’s asked beforehand if he minds having his photo snapped.

In 2000, when Claudia “met” Robert, he was part of a “Key West Oddities” exhibition in a poorly lit glass case. Subsequently, she realized he was not just another artifact.

Robert greets his many fans from a handsome glass case at Fort East Martello. (Photo by Kathy Koontz)

“As the years passed, I became aware of how many people, after visiting Robert in the museum, wrote to him about their problems with photographs,” said Claudia. “We decided that these unsolicited letters were part of Robert’s story, and in 2004 we moved Robert into his own gallery with a large space dedicated to cards and letters from his fans.”

Since then, Robert has become an eerie icon. During one month recently, his website got nearly 90,000 hits. He’s also been a “guest star” at a convention of the Atlantic Paranormal Society in Clearwater, Fla. (Like other celebrities, he was under constant surveillance by a high-level security team throughout his road trip.)

Despite his fame, Robert remains basically unchanged. Just as he did when he and Gene Otto were inseparable, he seems to enjoy playing tricks.

In fact, he even surprised radio host and paranormal expert Joshua Warren when Joshua investigated him at Fort East Martello. Two rolls of Joshua’s special 3D film mysteriously failed to record Robert’s image, even though he’d never experienced such problems before.

“I do not think of Robert as a ’possessed‘ or wicked doll — he is a mischievous spirit who seems to love pulling a few pranks,” said Claudia. “We love our Robert and are pleased that he continues to bewitch new audiences.”

Topics: Highlights, History, Key West, Local Color, Profiles, Quirks, Voices Main Archive

One year during Key West’s Fantasy Fest celebration, a local chiropractor friend of mine went crazy. Renowned for healing people in pain, Dr. Steve Stevens (not his real name, for reasons that should become clear almost immediately) shaved the fur off his dog Tabasco (not HIS real name either) and painted his own skin to match the dog’s.

The fur flies when party animals take center stage at Fantasy Fest's Pet Masquerade. (Photo by Rob O'Neal, Florida Keys News Bureau)

Then he donned a brief Speedo and pranced across a stage in front of 4,000 spectators, leading the understandably bewildered Tabasco.

He hadn’t lost his marbles, Dr. Steve later reassured patients who questioned his peculiar action. He was simply trying to win first prize in the pet/owner lookalike category of the Fantasy Fest Pet Masquerade.

With that explanation, it all made sense — because the Pet Masquerade can affect people that way. The annual costume contest for animals and their humans is one of the most eagerly anticipated events of Fantasy Fest, Key West’s internationally famed ten-day masking and costuming festival.

In fact, the Pet Masquerade draws dozens of entrants each year to perform onstage antics on the oceanside lawn of an elegant local resort. These “party animals” generally range from dogs and cats to potbellied pigs, snakes, exotic birds and even a duck that became a regular competitor.

Many entrants put on far more elaborate shows than Dr. Steve and Tabasco did. One year, for example, featured a rescued racing greyhound whose owners dressed her as Tina Turner. The dog stood stoically while her eight-member human “back-up band” proceeded to mangle a Turner classic.

Okay, so they're not pets. But these engaging creatures were favorites at Fantasy Fest 2009 anyway. (Photo by Andy Newman, Florida Keys News Bureau)

The “animal house” benefits the Lower Keys Friends of Animals, but entry isn’t limited to local people or pets. A few years back, Jeff Hrizuk brought his Australian cattle dog, K.C., from Georgia to participate after attending two previous Fantasy Fests.

Dressed as a black widow spider to complement Jeff’s gauzy spiderweb outfit, K.C. seemed completely comfortable in his costume — which included six spider legs made of felt-wrapped wire.

“It took two weeks to train him to wear the costume,” Jeff reported. “The first time we put it on him, he was afraid of it. Then we started giving him a steak, putting the costume on, and giving him another steak afterwards. Pretty soon he was really eager to put it on.”

Pet Masquerade, however, is far from Fantasy Fest’s wildest event. Scheduled for Oct. 22-31, the 2010 festival is themed “Habitat for Insanity,” and it includes more than three dozen masquerade balls, marches, costume competitions, and late-night soirees guaranteed to sizzle.

These "ladies" look ready to indulge a fantasy or two during Key West's wild and wonderful festival. (Photo by Andy Newman, Florida Keys News Bureau)

The unquestioned festival highlight is the Captain Morgan Fantasy Fest Parade in Key West’s historic downtown. This year set for Saturday, Oct. 30, it’s expected to draw as many as 70,000 spectators to Whitehead and Duval streets.

Glitzy, glamorous and unabashedly excessive, the annual parade features brilliant floats whose riders toss beads and baubles to the near-hysterical crowds. Floats are interspersed with Caribbean-style bands, dancing groups in lavish robes and headdresses, and assorted characters whose dress (or undress, since many wear little more than body paint) can elicit gasps of awe.

Speaking of body paint, two of the most engaging painted parade spectators I ever met were Jim and Judy Thorson from Omaha. Both in their 60s, they wore matching fish-printed sarong skirts and bright green sequined headdresses, their torsos adorned only with aquatic-inspired body art.

“I lost my pasties — I didn’t have adequate pasty glue,” confessed Jim Thorson, who was a professor at the University of Nebraska. “When you prepare for Fantasy Fest, you should bring one more bottle of glue than you need.”

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